35 weeks and the end is nigh.......

At 4am this morning I could write this post and I should have, I went over it in my head, the words poured out and it just seemd to make sense. Yet as I sit here and type as the sun comes up, it just doesn't seem to flow, it is missing parts.... it has been a long and difficult pregnancy and now I struggle to find the right words... so next time I will reflect and what has been a hell of a journey....

On Tuesday I had my 35 week OB appointment, I caught up with the midwife first and my blood pressure had remained stable, blood tests came back looking good and we had a bit of a chat as to how I was feeling, which was pretty darn exhausted but hanging on....

I then went straight through to my OB, we walked into her office and she asked how I was feeling and I said "Buggered", because literally I was, I was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. This pregnancy has really taken its toll on me and I had felt for the previous few days that my body was starting to give up, I didn't know how much more I had left in me...

She agreed, we had pushed the boundaries, the medications and myself, we had done everything we could to possibly extend this pregnancy for as long as possible to give Flicker the absolute best opportunity we could. She made the big decision, she had been doing a lot of thinking over the few days it had been since I had last seen her, numerous phonecalls and negotitiations with the Hospital and Paediatricians. She has two of us in a similar position, the other mother whom I have met in the waiting room is a week further along than I am, she had also had a prem previously at 31 weeks, we have both come a lot further and really battled hard. But we have both come to the end, we can no longer be pushed any further and we are both going to be delivering on the same day.... a little bittersweet as we aren't making it to term, but very special as we will be sharing a momentous occasion together...

So the day and time was fixed, we went through all the paper work, she filled out forms and I signed away.... She then did a scan to check on how little Flicker is going, and within seconds it confirmed that the decision was most certainly the right one, there is basically no amniotic fluid left, the pockets that we had last Thursday are no longer there, it is just all baby, growth has slowed even further and the EFW is 2.5kg, which is is the bare minimum the Paed's are willing to accept, so it will be interesting to see how close we are to that figure.....

We went through the medications and the plan of attack, I am to stop the Crinome the night prior to delivery, but maintain the Nifedipine all the way through getting up through the night to take extra dosages so we don't have a big gap. I then asked if she would like all my left over meds, there would be a few days of Crinome at $15 a pop and a few packets of slow and fast release Nifedipine, she was absolutley blown away by my offer.... I don't need them anymore and if they go into her supplies, I know they will go to good use and will hopefully help another mother or two get to achieve what we have, without any delay in waiting for scripts etc... and she gave me meds from her supplies so it is nice to given them back again and they would only go to waste sitting in our medicine cabinet at home....

I then went back to the MW for another steroid injection to give Flickers lungs that extra boost and to go on the CTG for a while to make sure that everything was looking good enough to go just a little bit longer... I knew I was having quite strong consistent contractions, but had been "ignoring" them and not timing them for the previous couple of weeks, because I felt that by doing that it would make me more concerned about them, so if I just let them happen and get back to what I was doing it made them easier to deal with.... but it was a bit of a shock to discover how close I was having them, 3-5 mintues appart with only a 2-3minute gap inbetween, no wonder I was exhausted, the drugs had really stopped becoming effective, I was losing the fight.

I had done all I could, the meds had sone all I could, Flicker had done everything he/she could and this was the end....

With the date and time is fixed, the team of Paeds and carers is in place and the theatre will be prepped for what will be a momentous occasion and we will be ready....

So the next time I post it will be a celebration, the arrival of a most precious, miracle of a baby, who has fought from the very start, who has shown determination and courage....

So until then I will rest and get through each contraction knowing that the end is near and enjoy every single moment I have with this gorgeous bump and little mircale tucked up inside.....