Doing it my way....achieving an intervention free breast feeding relationship

We had a very difficult time developing a strong breast feeding relationship with Nakita and this time I was so determined to avoid any unnecessary interventions, I was educated, I had her Paediatrician on our side and I had put everything in place to make this work.

With Anastasia in the SCN, I was half expecting her to see her with a NGT (Nasal Gastric Tube) in her nose or an IV in her arm, but a few hours after delivery she was brought into my room, on oxygen, but her only other attachment was the monitor taped to her foot. She was tube, wire and line free. I was thrilled... step one ~ ok we have made it through the first few hours... We then brought her out of the isolette to see how she would go with some skin to skin, my gown was opened up and she was placed on my chest and within minutes her saturations began to stabilise, she was where she was supposed to be and she was improving without the O2, I had heard of it happening many times, but to experience myself just brought tears to my eyes.... it just shows how amazing a mothers touch can be.....

We then attempted out first breastfeed...... it was just like my first breastfeed with Nakita , she just licked and played, I soaked it all up as we had to wait days before we were able to try with Nakita and here I was only a few hours later. A MW then bought in a bottle of formula, it had 20ml of a high calorie formula in it, she said that if she didn't had a good suck then she would be giving he the formula :o It was at this moment I quietly begged Anastasia to suck, I tickled her under the chin, I started doing all the things I used to do to get Nakita to feed. I pleaded her to suck, we had come so far I wasn't going to give up. The MW left the room and minutes later she started... she latched on, and started to suck, and she was strong, I was beside myself, tears pouring down my face, the MW came back in to check on us and was shocked to see her sucking, I was beaming, she sucked for long enough and she passed the "test" the formula was put away for the time being.

This was then repeated for the next few feeds, but with each feed Anastasia grew stronger, she sucked longer and my Colustrum was flowing, I couldn't believe it with Nakita to get any Colustrum was like trying to get blood out of a stone, but this time and after a CS and not a VB the Colustrum was there and I was sustaining my baby girl with it.

Over the next few days we began to battle the scales, she had lost almost 10% of her body weight "the limit" and the MW's were good at reminding me... but on the morning of day 3 her Paediatrician came in to check on her and he said they should just throw away the scales, they cause too many mothers too much stress, and he even said that the 10% 'limit' really shouldn't matter either, you should just look at the baby and look at the mother, if the baby looks good and the mother is happy and comfortable then why intervene, sometimes we just need to give babies and mothers more time, without all of the pressure that comes with a set of scales.

My confidence was given a huge boost, our Paed wasn't like all the rest, he wasn't setting limits or guidelines, I had my ammunition against any MW that said otherwise. On the evening of day 3 my milk started to come in, I had started Motilium that morning as we trying to avoid going through the supply issues I had with Nakita rather than leaving it for a week or so. The following two mornings she had gains of 30 and 40grams, woooo hoooo!!! I was doing it and Anastasia was doing it, we were forming a great team, she had a powerful suck, her feeds were lasting 20-30minutes per side, and she was settling well in between feeds about every 3 hours!!!! This was such a big difference to her sister, by the time we were getting breast feed established her feeds were lasting 1 1/2 hours, followed by settling and then I would have to express and byt the time I was finished we would be starting the next feed, this cycle went 24/7. Yet here I was almost twiddling my thumbs!

I had become very engorged and this caused issues, Anastasia was struggling to attach, we had gone from a great attachment to fissures of both nipples, they were bleeding a lot and very painful, but I knew it would take time to heal and Anastasia to grow and improve her attachment again. So I used a combination of EBM and air drying to help them repair, I asked for a nipple shield in attempt to reduce further damage and I would express for 5 minutes prior to each feed to make the attachment easier. All of my experience from last time was flooding back to me, I was setting the rules and doing it my way, I was confident that I knew what I was doing and I wasn't going to be swayed by each different MW with their own opinions.

She then started to lose weight again, the MW's then started to threaten Formula again, but I stood my ground, the losses were not huge and she was still above the "10%" mark, she was having plenty of wet and dirty nappies, so I knew she was getting enough, it was just going to take some time. Her Paed came in again and reassured me that he thought the same, Anastasia had developed a wicked tan (aka jaundice), but we agreed that it wasn't that bad, and discussed that her older sister was jaundiced for three months, and it was breastfed jaundice, Anastasia was still bright and alert, and doing all the right things, so once again we avoided intervention and decided to just give her more time.

It was then decided that we were both up for discharge, my recovery had been slow and challenging, but once we got the meds sorted out and some great support and ideas from my online community I was improving each day. There was nothing that the hospital was going to be able to do for Anastasia that I was able to do myself, her Paed was confident that I had done it all before so was happy for her to be discharged with me!!!!

OMG!!!!!! It has happened!!!!! We didn't make it to full term but we did get our take home baby!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I was going to be walking out of this hospital with my baby in my arms, I was not going to be leaving her behind in the care of others, oh the joy and the elation. We did it!!!!

After everything that we went through so much just to keep her safely tucked up inside, we all made sacrifices to make it just one further day and then the extra week, we battled through so many complications, went through the lowest of lows and celebrated the highest of highs. Yet after all of it we have come out the other side and every single moment has been worth it because we got our TAKE HOME BABY!!!!!!!

Welcoming Flicker Earthside.....

  

I was up early on Thursday 30th of September, I came downstairs and left Roy and Nakita peacefully sleeping, hoping to have just a little more time to myself, I jumped on my computer and made my final post to my blog and did a final check of my emails as my work laptop was going to be off for the next week or so... a short time later I heard noises from upstairs and it was time to get organised. It was so bizarre to be getting ready to go, nothing at all like the arrival of Nakita, my waters had broken and we made our way into the hospital in the early evening... this time I prepared breakfast for Roy and Nakita, made sure that Nakita's day care bag was packed for the day, we had decided that rather than getting anyone to look after her, that we would make her day as normal as possible, at 7:20 am we headed off, dropped Nakita at day care, I struggled to hold it together, I couldn't help by cry when I dropped Nakita off, I had to walk out of the room because she was starting to get upset as well, Roy stayed and made sure she was happy and settled and we made our way to the hospital.

We arrived at the hospital at 8am, made our way up to maternity and we were taken to our room, on the way the MW yelled out Mon! Victoria is here! I was absolutely thrilled!! Mon was one of the MW's I saw nearly every week at my OB's office, she was supposed to be on night shift that day but was trying to switch to day shift and I was so excited to hear that she was on, she would be coming into surgery with us.

Our room was lovely, it had a large bay window and balcony, I set about unpacking my bags, remembering things I had read on various CS threads on the forums, about making sure that you have everything you need at waist height or higher, it was a bit like unpacking when arriving at a holiday destination except I was getting more than a holiday I was having a baby!!!!! Mon came in a short time later and took my BP was up, still contracting away, we listened to Flickers heart thumping away.... so precious to hear it for the last time... We then chatted about what we were hoping to do with Flicker once delivered, it was all dependant on how well Flicker was doing, if all was well I would be able to keep Flicker with me in Theatre and in recovery if I wished. I wanted the opportunity to hold Flicker in all that newborn gooey goodness if possible, to try and breast feed as soon as possible, and to make sure we got lots of photos which we didn't get with Nakita, we only have photos of her in the humidicrib and our first family photo was when she was a few days old and we were doing a gavage feed.... I then took my final tablet Nifedipine, 13 weeks these small round tablets had kept me going, it was going to be weird not taking them every few hours..... I then handed over to Mon my left over Nifedipine and Progesterone, I had spoken with my OB on Tuesday asking if she would be able to use my left over meds... she was blown away by my offer, but I couldn't bear to see them be wasted sitting in our medicine box, and they weren't exactly cheap either..... She had given me some of my early doses of Nifedipine from her "stash" so that we could start the meds straight away rather than any delays of waiting for prescriptions, and for that I was so grateful. They were no use to me now and I know that they will go to another mother or a few mothers who found themselves in similar circumstances.... it was like a final cleansing....

We were then visited by the Anaesthetist, who went through the procedure for the Spinal and the local to be done after the CS, it all seemed pretty straight forward and I didn't have any questions.

Then our Paediatrician came in, he was Nakita's Paediatrician when she was transferred out to the same hospital, he is a bit old school, but he is brilliant, he really listens to the mother. I explained what I was hoping to achieve, that we wanted to really have a positive breast feeding relationship from the start, he was very supportive of this and we were confident that he was "on our side".

Finally our OB came in, it was so lovely to see her, she had been there for us every step of this rollercoaster and I was just so happy that she was the one who would be bringing our little miracle earthside. She said they were running about 1/2 hour behind so it looked as though we would be heading in at about 11:30am, which was fine, she went over the procedure again, and we were happy with it all, the screen would be dropped so that we would be able to see our baby arriving and I would get the first touch after she was delivered... so that was it....

Roy took my final belly shots, we chose out a couple of outfits for Flicker to wear at 00000 and a 0000, depending on how big our little one was going to be, and they were taken and placed in the warming box... we sat down and I tried to read a book I had started a few weeks earlier, but as I hadn't let a bookmark in I couldn't remember for the life of me where I was up to so I just sat and looked out the window, thinking wow we are about to have a baby!

      

Before we knew it a MW came in and said well we are off in 5 minutes... crap we still had the laptop out, neither of us had gotten changed, we thought we had more time! So Roy bolted the laptop out to the boot of the car, I quickly got changed, Roy ran back in a got changed and I hopped on the bed and we were off. The excitement was building as we made our way down the brightly lit corridors to the theatre suite, after fighting for so long it would soon be all over.... when we arrived at the theatre I hopped off the bed and walked into theatre, it was good to take those final steps, walking in to deliver my baby....

At 11:10am I hoped onto the table and the anaesthetist began the preparations for the spinal, my OB and Paediatrician and Mon all said hello and everyone else was introduced to us. It was a stark comparison to the environment in which Nakita was born, a dimly lit relatively quiet birth suite, even with a room full of people it was much more gentle.. the theatre was bright, clinical and sterile, there was music playing and everyone was talking jovially about a conference that most of them were heading to interstate later that day....

Just as the anaesthetist was putting in the spinal, I experienced what was to be my last contraction, it was my body putting in its last ditch effort, in so many ways I am glad that is when it happened as I will never forget that moment. I focussed on holding the second anaesthetists and Roy's hands, trying not to move as the contraction rose, I should have said something but the words would not escape me. It wasn't long and it was over, the Spinal was in and working, I was then assisted to lie down, the table was then tilted, the catheter put in (so glad I couldn't feel that happening!). The BP monitor strapped around my arm, gel put in my hand, monitors attached to my finger and an oxygen mask, the screen was then put up and the drapes put in place.

Roy and I chatted about the upcoming grand final rematch, and some other completely unexciting topics, and before I knew it I felt as though a live was being drawn below my tummy, I knew that she had just made the first incision, this was it.....

There was pressure and pulling and tugging, not at all uncomfortable, just a little bizarre, my OB said I hope that your little one is going to be a lot easier to get out than they little boy she had just delivered a short time earlier who was a bit stubborn and got stuck. Soon after my OB announced ok are we ready, I told Roy make sure the camera is ready I want lots of photos! The screen was then dropped, Roy started snapping and our precious little baby GIRL arrive earthside, she made a small cry, my OB then brought her over where the screen had been dropped and I was able to touch her :cry: we were asked if she has a name and we said no we hadn't decided, we wanted to get to know her first. She was then taken over to resus to get checked out by our Paed. Roy went over and took more photos and then cut the cord, "Flicker" was give some oxygen to help her get going, she was wrapped up and then brought over to me and I was able to hold her, we then got the family photos that we didn't get with Nakita and we just soaked in all her newborn goodness for a minute or two.

 

It took us a week to name "Flicker" approximately the same amount of time it took us to name her big sister give or take a few hours!

Anastasia Natalia Juliette

Weight: 2720grams / 6lb

HC: 34cm

Length 48cm

Apgars: 7 (1min) and 9 (5min)

She was blowing bubbles and there were significant pauses in her breathing, her Paed became concerned as did we, so she was taken back over to resus and the decision was made that she needed to go to the nursery now. I sent Roy to go with her, I was fine just needed to be stitched up and go through recovery. Mon said that if she is ok with will bring her down to recovery. I said it doesn't matter, just make sure that she is ok, I can have all the cuddles I like later on.

So once again I was left behind to be stitched up and my baby taken away... but this time it was easier, I had expected that it could happen and after all we had been through I just wanted her to be safe.

My OB was able to have a good look at my uterus and at that stage my septum was 4cm long, but it was not able to be removed, it is was she would have done it then so that if we tried again in the future hopefully we would be able to avoid some of the complications we experienced this time. The placenta was small, which was to be expected so no surprises there either, but it had done a a pretty good job considering! There was also a large blood clot behind the placenta, which is most likely the culprit for the many bleeds that I experienced throughout the pregnancy, we were lucky it didn't result in anything more sinister.

The stitching was then completed and the anaesthetist brought in the ultrasound and placed a local in either side of my stomach and then I was off to recovery. Anastasia's Paediatrician came down to let me know that he was concerned about her developing Hyaline Membrane Disease (Respiratory Distress of the Premature Infant), if she did she would need to be transferred to the NICU at the WCH, so he was keeping a close eye on her for the next few hours and if she stabilised with the O2 in the humidicrib within a couple of hours she should be able to stay, but if they left her that things could change rapidly so they put into place extra precautions to ensure that we had the best chance of keeping her with us.

A short while later I was taken up to the SCN to see her, the wheeled my bed up as close as we could get to the isolette, Mon turned her head over so I could see her face and she got really grumpy and upset so I said to switch it back so she was happy again. After a short stay I then was taken back to my room to settle into bed to start my recovery....

Reflections of our pregnancy journey.....

This is the first in a series of three posts which are going up tonight, reflecting on our journey in brief before we make those final steps to meeting our precious little miracle.....

The Prelude

In late 2009 we decided that in the new year we were going to try and provide our daughter with a sibling, this is a decision that wasn't taken lightly, our first daughter was born at 33 weeks, while in the prem world isn't particularly early, she arrived in a big rush, her birth story is here, and while her time in SCBU was reasonably smooth, with minimal breathing issues, sepsis, low bls, jaundice and took a few weeks to learn how to feed, she has long term respiratory issues and had required numerous hospitalisations and is on a raft of medications to keep her out of hospital. Something we were desperate to avoid this time round. We knew that going into this pregnancy that before we even started I was classed as high risk of having another prem as the reasons she arrived early were a combination of maternal on and other pregnancy related complications.

The Pregnancy

We were extremely blessed to discover that we had become pregnant during the first month of trying, and estimated our EDD to be about the 27th of October 2010. I made our announcement on the forum and it was with gusto that I stated we were going to avoid the premmie rollercoaster and grow a full term take home bubba. We wanted to experience giving birth and taking your baby home with you, not leaving them behind in the hospital after discharge in the care of others, a baby should be with its parents..... not isolated in a plastic box surrounded by machines that go "ping" and constantly being poked and prodded by with needles and tubes, wires and lines.....

For the first couple of weeks everything went smoothly, very few tweaks and twinges it was certainly different to my first pregnancy, but as everything had "stretched" before it wasn't surprising. On the March long weekend we had a photo shoot which had been postponed from January due to DD having been in hospital, it was a beautiful crisp Sunday morning, wandering aimlessly through the east of the city, looking for those unusual creative locations to capture our family of three (plus bub tucked up safely inside my belly), we were so happy so carefree, I look back at the photos now and am touched by the pure joy that resonates from the images, knowing that that are the only photos which include all of us....

The following evening I was cooking dinner, Roy was in the office and Nakita in her highchair eating dinner, and out of the blue was a gush, I stopped in my tracks, bolted for the bathroom, wondering what had just happened, it was at this moment that our lives started what was to be one hell of a rollercoaster ride... I was bleeding, bright red fresh blood; it had soaked my underwear and jeans. I was shaking, horrified and scared, I yelled out to Roy, he came running, tears were pouring down my face... I had bleed while pregnant with Nakita but it was never to the extent I was experiencing this time. Roy ran and grabbed the phone book and my mobile and I called the WCH, as I hadn't been to my OB yet and wasn't sure who to call, and thought the WCH would be the best option. They said to come in immediately and would see what they could do; I was 7 weeks 6 days. I went upstairs got cleaned up and changed, grabbed my handbag, phone and car keys, gave Roy a kiss and a warm hug and blew a kiss to Nakita trying to hold myself together so she didn't see me upset.

I drove into the hospital and was seen quickly, they checked my loss, undertook a blood test to check my HCG levels to see if they were high enough to warrant a scan, and I went back to the waiting area to wait for the results. Within 1/2 an hour they asked me to start drinking water and a while later they came and got me for a scan. The Dr on call was lovely, and went through what she was going to do, she was then interrupted to take a call from a country hospital where they had a mother labouring and the staff needed assistance, 10 minutes later she returned and we went through it all again. She started the scan, I was desperate to see the screen, but I could only just see it, she was quiet for a majority of the time, will a lovely MW held my hand. The Dr confirmed that there were two sacks, one slightly behind the other, and that she thought that there might have been a HB in one of the sacks, I was pretty certain that I could see she had picked up a HB but couldn't confirm if she had seen as HB in either and that I would have to get a scan on the Rolls Royce Machine in the next few days to confirm either way... My HCG levels were 32,000 @ 7 weeks 6 days

So I left the hospital in a daze not really taking in what she had just said and doing what I needed to do to get home and back into the arms of my Roy. We both cried, we didn't have a clear answer, nothing could be confirmed.... So I went onto my forums and asked for support and prayers for the next few days, this was not something that I was going to be able to go through alone or just with Roy, I needed to know that there were people out there who had been through something similar or who just understood what I was going through and to give us hope... and the community was there for us for the next few days and weeks and months... supporting us and praying for good news.

The following day I booked in for my scan at the WCH which the earliest appointment I could get was Thursday morning, 2 days time. I then rang my OB's office to see if she would like to see me and she made a space for me just over an hour to see her. I remember sitting in the waiting room and seeing some beautifully pregnant mothers, close to the end of their pregnancies and how I would love to be in there position to skip what was to come in the following days, weeks and months....

I didn't wait long and went in to see my OB, went through what had happened and she was shocked that they hadn't done an internal scan as at this gestation an external US wouldn't show a lot. She then commenced the scan and turned the screen so I could see it clearly, confirming that I had a septate uterus, there was a septum down the centre of the uterus, dividing it into two halves, this alone puts me at risk of Pre Term Delivery. Immediately we could see the two sac's, she was able to confirm that in one sac (Twin A) we had a precious little baby with a strong beating heart 125BPM, Flickering brightly, stronger than it was the night before, she then went over to the second sac (Twin B) there was no heart beat :cry:.... To complicate things further the two sacs were joined just above my cervix, so we were at risk of Twin B actually dragging Twin A with it during the miscarriage..... She then did a check of my cervix length and it was 2.1cm, very short for this early in a pregnancy, and may indicate that I had a Incompetent Cervix, so would be on fortnightly scans to check the length, but we couldn’t put a stitch in until the 12-14 week mark, and I need to pass the twin, clots and blood before she would be able to do the stitch. So from here it was going to be a waiting game, there was little we could do except hope and pray...... I was to still go to the WCH for the scan and also get another HCG result to see if that is giving us any indication as to what the future holds for us and our babies...

The following day was emotional, I just didn't know what to think, I was scared... I named Twin A... Flicker...

That night I was woken suddenly at 1am, excruciating pain, and another large gush of bright red blood, I was terrified, I didn't know what was happening... was I losing Flicker as well.... I lay in bed talking to Flicker...I am sending you all my strength and courage Flicker, my little fighter, I have no idea how many times I repeated this to myself and Flicker, but eventually I fell asleep.....

Later that day I went into the WCH for my next HCG Blood Test and then over for the scan, the first thing the sonographer did was zoom in and pick up Flickers HB, it was up to 135BPM, our precious little buba was getting stronger.... but now there were no longer two complete sac's, Twin B's (Firefly's) had ruptured, I believe that this is what I experienced at 1 am that day... the scan continued with numerous measurements taken, the Sonographer then called in the OB, who sauntered into the room, saying hello and soon followed with "You are not going to get to Full Term"... wow.... I was blown away, such a negative comment so early....

The following afternoon we received the HCG results from the day before, they were not great 38,700, they were supposed to double in approximately 90 hours at this stage, and they were no where near doubling... it had been more than that since the first BT.... We could only hope that the slowing of the levels was due to losing Firefly and not indicative of the strength of Flicker.....

Over the next 5 weeks I experienced a number of large bright red bleeds, went for numerous scans and checks, it was tough emotional and scary. I never felt safe, or was able to relax, I had to rest, I worked from home and kept activity to a minimum only doing what I needed to do...

By the 12 week mark my list of complications was growing....

History...
PPROM (Preterm Premature Rupture of the Membranes)
Spontaneous fast progressing labour
Dilation with very little pain or length of contractions
Amniotic Band (although unlikely that it should occur in this pregnancy)

Maternal...
Septate Uterus, heart shaped uterus, known for PTL (Pre Term Labour)
Possible IC (Incompetent Cervix)
A twin pregnancy, which is now a singleton pregnancy
Prolapse, of the Uterus or Vaginal Wall, started to occur at 14 weeks.
Low Platelets
Location of the Placenta, being over the top of the septum, where there is no blood vessels to feed the placenta, so relying on the outer reaches of the placenta to draw oxygen and nutrients in to help the baby grow.

From here I saw my OB every 2 weeks, we were planning longer gaps between appointments but it wasn't meant to be... At 16 weeks the Braxton Hicks (BH's) started, 6 weeks earlier than they had with Nakita... At 17 weeks my fluid levels were low, it appeared that we are looking at the opposite I had with Nakita, where she had a swimming pool of fluid, this time we only had smaller pockets of fluid, Flicker was breech and we need to look at getting Flicker to turn and stay turned, with the low fluid levels and shape of my uterus we needed Flicker to be head down as early as possible.... My cervix had lengthened nicely around the 12 week mark, but as we moved to the late teens and early 20's, my cervix started to shorten, I was losing length and it was looking as thought a stitch was going to be needed.

At 22 weeks the BH's had grown so intense, were lasting for so long and not relenting that I was put on Nifedipine to reduce or try and stop them, as with a shortening cervix the last thing we needed was anything to aggravate it further. My cervix continued to shorten, by 20 weeks we were down to 3.2cm, the previous three scans it had reduced by 1cm, 1cm and 0.8cm, if we lost that length again, we would need a stitch, but we were absolutely thrilled to discover that at 23 weeks my cervix had grown in length and was out to 3.6cm!

For the next few weeks things remained relatively stable, we were having to increase the Nifedipine to combat the BH's, but we would get them back under control within a few days and I was able to "relax" a bit.

At my 28 week appointment my fluid levels had risen and were into the normal range, and Flicker's position was optimal, so my OB attempted an ECV, they generally aren't contemplated until 36 weeks or around that mark, but we had to take the opportunity while it was there. She attempted it twice and Flicker did move into a better position but then decided nope not interested and immediately went back to the lovely breech position, during the ECV she had to stop a couple of times as I was contracting. A few days later the BH's were getting out of control; I had increased the Nifedipine after the ECV as my OB said it would stir things up for a day or so. But now they seemed different and I didn't feel comfortable with them anymore, so I ended up in my OB's office on a Friday afternoon on the CTG and we discovered that I wasn't just having Braxton Hicks, I was actually having contractions, regularly 15 minutes apart, not just sporadically like she had felt a few days earlier, and in between a very irritable uterus that just wasn’t resting this is not want you want to hear at 28 weeks! I was put on a constant dose of Nifedipine throughout the day, with the hope that we can slow things down.

It was at this point I was put on Bed/Couch Rest, no more working in the office, no more shopping or getting out and about, I was now limited to lying on the couch and only getting up to eat meals and go to the bathroom. From here Roy had to stop going to the gym, he picked up and dropped off Nakita to day-care each day, took her to her swimming lessons on the weekends. He did the cleaning, food shopping, helped with meals, washing and just getting things done. Family and friends made meals, helped clean, ran errands and helped look after Nakita on Fridays when she was home with me for the day.

Then to throw a spanner in the works at 29 weeks we received a call that no parent expects... the results from our 12 week scan were incorrect, we had to return to the place where we had the 12 and 20 weeks scans and have an urgent growth scan and meet with a genetic counsellor.... I won't go into all of the details but you can read them News that a parent never expects to hear..., but we went from being low risk to high risk for having a baby with Down syndrome. It was a very stressful and emotional few days as we took in all of the information and made some big decisions, I truly hope that it doesn't happen to anyone else again.

Over the next few weeks, we would get the contractions under control, then they would ramp up we would play with the dosage of Nifedipine and timing and get a few days grace where they were more spread out and less intense, before we would go through the cycle again.

At 32 weeks they got completely out of control, I was contracting less than 10 minutes apart, it was going on for hours, the Nifedipine wasn't working, I was on the maximum dosage a combination of slow and fast release, taking the fast release when the contractions got out of hand, but it was no longer working, I was exhausted and struggling to cope mentally and emotionally. I was worried that we wouldn't get them under control again. At my OB appointment I was shattered, my OB decided that we needed to try a new course of action, she ordered steroid injections two 24 hours apart, in case we weren't able to stop the contraction, she then put me on Progesterone cream every night, and we had to limit the Nifedipine to 140mg a day, as my BP was dropping too low. The new combination worked, it took about 4 days for the full effect of the Progesterone to work, but it did calm things down again and I finally was able to relax for a bit. My next appointment I was bright and bubbly, contractions on a good day were 30-40min apart, and on the bad days they would get under 10 minutes apart, but were bearable. My OB said that she was about to admit me the week before, I am glad that we were able to get through it without the admission and looking back I am not sure how I did it to be honest....

At my 34 week appointment a few things didn't go to plan, the growth scan highlighted that we now had asymmetrical growth, bubs head was growing at a greater rate that the abdominal, with the femur being right on dates, this was not good, while we are able to accept low growth, when things become asymmetrical it indicates that the baby isn't receiving enough nutrients. My BP had risen and while 120/80 is not particularly high, the fact that I was on a lot of Nifedipine which lowers BP and previously I had been sitting around the 110/60, it was a big jump in a very short amount of time. We were reaching the end of what my baby and my body were able to cope with. I was sent off for a series of blood tests and monitoring, another dose of steroids was ordered for a few days time, and in four days we were going to make the call as to when our precious little Flicker was going to arrive earthside....

35 weeks.... the end is nigh..... it was the title of my last post on my blog, and my final message on my forums and FB. The decision was made within seconds of entering my OB's office, she asked how I was feeling and I said buggered. I was mentally, physically and emotionally I was at my limits I was questioning my ability to go any further, where could I find the strength to go on for another few more weeks, I wanted to dig deeper, but I felt like I had nothing left. She said that she was amazed that I was still going and that we had reached the end, she wasn't comfortable with pushing it any further I was maxed out on medications in attempt to stop things, but my body was now fighting the medications, we knew the day would come where there is a point that the drugs would no longer work....my baby needed to come out. So we booked in the C-section, we had hopes that a Breech Delivery would have been an option and my OB was fully supportive of it, but we were now in a situation where both bubs and I were going to be put under too much stress going through a natural delivery, we were going to have to stop the drugs and with my BP already high, we knew that if we stopped the Nifedipine it was highly likely to skyrocket and would likely end up with an Emergency C Section, and I was at peace with the decision, I felt calm as I didn't chose my baby's birth date, my baby had been trying to chose its own for months and we had done everything we could to stop it. I just wanted my baby to arrive safely....

From here we went into preparation mode, I was administered a further dose of steroids to boost Flickers lungs, we planned for the last dose of Progesterone that night, but not the following night in preparation for the section the following morning. I was to continue taking the Nifedipine right up to the C-section. Paediatricians, anaesthetists, theatre, hospital were called and booked, another set of blood tests were to be done the following day. We filed out paperwork and I signed where needed, I was glad I didn't have to write why I was having a CS, because it wasn't by choice it was by necessity. She then did a scan, and within seconds we knew the right decision had been made, there was no more black left on the screen, I had no amniotic fluid left, bubs growth had stopped, and was fully engaged. I was then taken out to go back on the CTG again, I had the little button waiting to press it each time I felt a kick. I was concentrating hard on waiting to feel a movement, but there were none, I drank so ice cold water and still no movements, I was ignoring the contractions, just focussing on that little kick, finally after 35 minutes we got movement, a short while later, the CTG was stopped and I asked the MW how far apart the contractions were. I had stopped timing them in recent weeks as I felt it was taking over my ability to keep a positive frame of mind.... so you can imagine how shocked I was to discover that they were 3-5 minutes apart with a break of 2-3 minutes apart... no wonder I was exhausted.... That was it, it was over, I had a finish time and date... I had fought long and hard and I know that there was nothing more I could do.... I sense of relief came over me as I knew that I only had to hold out for less than 48 hours... this was the start of my time...

I became invisible, I hid away from the online communities, forums, FB and Messenger, I prepared my final post... we were not going to reveal when Flicker was arriving, that was our secret, after bearing my soul throughout this pregnancy we were keeping the grand finale to ourselves and a very select few who "had" to know, but all were sworn to secrecy.......

This was my time to reflect, to make final preparations, to take time out; I had shared so much of our journey this time was now mine, one day before I would meet the most precious little baby. I didn't want to speak with anyone unless I chose to, I didn't want to be quizzed or questioned and most certainly didn't want to be asked numerous times when Flicker was coming...

35 weeks and the end is nigh.......

At 4am this morning I could write this post and I should have, I went over it in my head, the words poured out and it just seemd to make sense. Yet as I sit here and type as the sun comes up, it just doesn't seem to flow, it is missing parts.... it has been a long and difficult pregnancy and now I struggle to find the right words... so next time I will reflect and what has been a hell of a journey....

On Tuesday I had my 35 week OB appointment, I caught up with the midwife first and my blood pressure had remained stable, blood tests came back looking good and we had a bit of a chat as to how I was feeling, which was pretty darn exhausted but hanging on....

I then went straight through to my OB, we walked into her office and she asked how I was feeling and I said "Buggered", because literally I was, I was exhausted physically, mentally and emotionally. This pregnancy has really taken its toll on me and I had felt for the previous few days that my body was starting to give up, I didn't know how much more I had left in me...

She agreed, we had pushed the boundaries, the medications and myself, we had done everything we could to possibly extend this pregnancy for as long as possible to give Flicker the absolute best opportunity we could. She made the big decision, she had been doing a lot of thinking over the few days it had been since I had last seen her, numerous phonecalls and negotitiations with the Hospital and Paediatricians. She has two of us in a similar position, the other mother whom I have met in the waiting room is a week further along than I am, she had also had a prem previously at 31 weeks, we have both come a lot further and really battled hard. But we have both come to the end, we can no longer be pushed any further and we are both going to be delivering on the same day.... a little bittersweet as we aren't making it to term, but very special as we will be sharing a momentous occasion together...

So the day and time was fixed, we went through all the paper work, she filled out forms and I signed away.... She then did a scan to check on how little Flicker is going, and within seconds it confirmed that the decision was most certainly the right one, there is basically no amniotic fluid left, the pockets that we had last Thursday are no longer there, it is just all baby, growth has slowed even further and the EFW is 2.5kg, which is is the bare minimum the Paed's are willing to accept, so it will be interesting to see how close we are to that figure.....

We went through the medications and the plan of attack, I am to stop the Crinome the night prior to delivery, but maintain the Nifedipine all the way through getting up through the night to take extra dosages so we don't have a big gap. I then asked if she would like all my left over meds, there would be a few days of Crinome at $15 a pop and a few packets of slow and fast release Nifedipine, she was absolutley blown away by my offer.... I don't need them anymore and if they go into her supplies, I know they will go to good use and will hopefully help another mother or two get to achieve what we have, without any delay in waiting for scripts etc... and she gave me meds from her supplies so it is nice to given them back again and they would only go to waste sitting in our medicine cabinet at home....

I then went back to the MW for another steroid injection to give Flickers lungs that extra boost and to go on the CTG for a while to make sure that everything was looking good enough to go just a little bit longer... I knew I was having quite strong consistent contractions, but had been "ignoring" them and not timing them for the previous couple of weeks, because I felt that by doing that it would make me more concerned about them, so if I just let them happen and get back to what I was doing it made them easier to deal with.... but it was a bit of a shock to discover how close I was having them, 3-5 mintues appart with only a 2-3minute gap inbetween, no wonder I was exhausted, the drugs had really stopped becoming effective, I was losing the fight.

I had done all I could, the meds had sone all I could, Flicker had done everything he/she could and this was the end....

With the date and time is fixed, the team of Paeds and carers is in place and the theatre will be prepped for what will be a momentous occasion and we will be ready....

So the next time I post it will be a celebration, the arrival of a most precious, miracle of a baby, who has fought from the very start, who has shown determination and courage....

So until then I will rest and get through each contraction knowing that the end is near and enjoy every single moment I have with this gorgeous bump and little mircale tucked up inside.....

34 weeks appointment ... not all the positives we were hoping for...

We made it to my 34 weeks appointment this time - yipeeee, this was the one that I didn't get to with Nakita... I'd been feeling great the last two days, positive, upbeat, energised and focused on getting a few more weeks. The rest didn't seem as hard this week, I guess because we are so much closer to the end than we were all those weeks ago when we started....

Summary of OB appointment from this afternoon

AFI ~ levels had risen to 13 again, which was fabulous news
Dopplers ~ were stable
BP ~ has risen to 120/80, while generally this is not an issue, but as my BP has been sitting around the 110/60 it has become an issue as it has made a big jump in a very short amount of time, and with the high dosage of Nifedipine (which lowers BP)it shouldn't have made the jump.
Swelling ~ my legs and feet have been swelling, but grown significantly worse over the last week, I had just put it down to a normal pregnancy which it could be, or it could also be a side effect of the Nifedipine or a sign of PE if it is tied in with the concurrent rise in BP.
Growth ~ this is on of the areas of concern, bubs growth has slowed (which is not a surprise and was expected), and the growth is now asymetrical, the HC (head curcumference) has gone up and is now measuring 3-4 weeks ahead, the femur length is on track, but the abdominal measurements have dropped and the best measurement we were able to get is behind by 2 weeks. EFW (estimated fetal weight) is 2400grams, 50grams bigger than Nakita when she was born. Which is still a good size, but it is the variations between all the measurements that is of concern.
Placenta ~ was looking good, further calcification but still within the normal range
Meds ~ to stay the same, depending on the results of tomorrows tests which will be back at the start of next week, will determine what the next step, before the scan we did discuss about extending them past 36 weeks, but after the scan this will be discussed on Tuesday. I am having another dose of steroids early next week to give Flickers lungs a further boost.
Tests ~ we will be doing a number of blood and urine tests tomorrow, putting the names up here won't make much sense so I won't worry about it ;)

So what does it all mean..... as my AFI has gone up again and the dopplers are stable I am able to stay at home, until my appointment on Tuesday morning. But if anything changes, contraction wise, pain wise, movement wise etc I am to call my OB straight away. We may be in a position where we have actually pushed this pregnancy as far as we can. But from the positive perspective we have come a long way, we have surpassed Nakita's gestation, and we have managed to nuture that tiny little embryo who held on for dear life in those early weeks, when it's twin couldn't hold on anymore, it has grown into a strong precious little baby. We have faced hurdle after hurdle and a few brick walls along the way, we have taken on each one and found our way over it and managed to keep on going.

We won't be sharing when Flicker will be arriving, that part will remain a surprise for everyone and even possibly us, but we would like to thank everyone who has followed our journey shared the highs and the lows and shared with us amazing messages of support through messages, phonecalls, emails, wall posts, forums and my messenger buddies, you ahve made the ride that much easier to deal with.

Thankyou xxoo

34 weeks and still going strong!

So some very exciting news over the past week and a bit, we passed Nakita's gestation and are now 34 weeks and four days!  I have had good days and bad, it seems to be a bit of a cycle, but not one that I have managed to work out yet! I have my 34 week appointment tomorrow, so we will be having another growth scan, and the usual checks, and as long as things are tracking as they are or no significant changes then we get to keep on going! I promise to try and get up and post an update on tomorrow appointment a lot quicker this time!

This is a summary of my 33 week appointment which was last week ~

Fluid levels ~ have dropped again but are just above 10 so ok to keep going
Dopplers ~ looking consistent with last couple of weeks
Placenta ~ is starting to calcify, but is within the normal range for the amount, it merely highlights that it wouldn't last to 39-40 weeks, when the size is also taken into account.
Growth ~ OB decided to wait another week for a growth scan
Position ~ is firmly bum down and wiggling into an engaged position, but in the best presentation for a breech delivery.
Meds ~ Nifedipine to stay at 100mg and Progesterone at 90mg, the dropping of the dosage isn't working and it isn't worth the risk of dropping it, and will be maintaing both until 36 weeks ~ then we drop the meds and see what happens.
Rest ~ Bed/couch rest to continue - looking at it that we have come 5 weeks and now how 4 at the most to go, so past half way!!
Hospital ~ Our local private hospital will now accept (well two Paeds will) at 35 weeks, so to know that it is less than 2 weeks away is really really cool but would still love to see 37 weeks!

I am so so happy to be here, frustrated with the rest, the couch, missing out on things, but it has been worth it, 6 weeks almost 7 weeks I have been on bed/couch rest, and prior to that modified rest for a majority of the pregnancy, and it has felt like a long time, but so much better than the alternative. To be here at home each night when Roy comes home with Nakita is just wonderful, to sit and read her stories, play with puzzles and sing songs in the evenings on the couch is time we wouldn't have had as much of if we didn't all make sacrifices.

I am so proud of Roy, he has put his gym membership on hold, he take's Nakita to and from daycare everyday, he gets her showered and ready in her PJ's in the evenings and up and ready in the mornings, while I get breakfast ready and bags packed. He takes her to her swimming lessons, walks to the ducks and to the playground, it is so hard to say good bye to them each morning or each time they go out, I want to go out and enjoy all of these things with them, but it has to wait. He does the food shopping and other errands and reminds my to sit or rest, he has been my rock, and our relationship has grown so very stong during this pregnancy, we struggled when I was pregnant with Nakita and for many months afterwards, we lost our way, and feared that they same could happen this time, but it has been different, so very different, and I am so so happy and so proud as to how we have come through this together, stronger and closer.

So while our little Flicker who isn't so little anymore ~ going by the strength of the kicks, has show much fight and determination to be here, make everything we are doing so worthwhile....... And I wouldn't give it up for the world.

After passing Nakita's gestation I don't really have any goals in mind, FT is there but I am just so happy that with all the intervention, medications, scans and rest, we have surpassed nearly every expectation that we were given from the start of this pregnancy, and for that I cannot ask anymore of my body or of Flicker. We will just continue with the meds and rest and see where it lands us, whether it be days or weeks from now it doesn't matter, I am at peace with when ever this pregnancy will end and we will welcome Flicker earthside, and it doesn't matter what ever way Flicker will arrive, VB or CS is of no consiquence.

I have posted this message on my FB a few times over the pregnancy whenever I have been pushing to get over one of the many hurdles but for us it has rung so very true...

What doesn't break you, make's you stronger 

~ I will not be broken, so I can only get stronger......

31-32 weeks.... a long update of highs and lows....

Phew.... well it has been a long couple of weeks, I didn't have the energy to post last week, so it is time I brought you all up to speed on whats been happening.

I was feeling good, passing 31 weeks, I felt like we had things under control and we were going to be able to cruise along for a while. We had visitors on the weekend and I was feeling bright and happy and positive, it was a good feeling, then on the Monday things went a bit haywire....

I started get a lot of contractions, and they were comng in runs lasting a couple of hours at a time, I was having to take boosters of Nifedipine on top of the slow release and I was not getting any relief. I was exhausted, I had my OB appointment the next day so I held out until then at is was an early appointment.

Monday night was a horrible night, couldn't sleep I swear every time I looked at the clock the time was the same, my back was hurting, my belly was tight and sore and I am exhausted and just want to cry. I should have just given up lying down because it is much more painful.

I was trying to beat the contraction, but they were starting to get on top of me,

I felt as though I was fighting a losing battle, we are almost on the max Nifedipine and I don't know how much longer we can stall this. Mentally I wasn't sure how much longer I could cope, I was just focussing on those who have done it before me and trying to draw from their strength.

I didn't want to give up, I need to keep fighting this....

31 week OB appointment....

In the waiting room, I met a mum who is almost the same gestation and she had previously had a 31 weeker and tomorrow will pass the gestation of her bubs, so it was lovely to chat to her, comparing pregnancy notes and wished each other luck :)

Cervix ~ is stable with 2.4cm still closed and the bubble hasn't increased, so all these contractions aren't effecting it, hopefully because we have a bum rather than a head down there!
AFI ~ Dropped down to 13 from 15 last week, just means we peaked at 28 weeks, hopefully it stabilises soon.
Dopplers ~ still at the botttom of the charts but OB still happy
Growth ~ It looks as though despite the odds bubs growth is doing well measuring approximately 1900grams
Ctx ~ Not so good, uterus is just crazily irritable, I am starting progesterone cream tonight, to use it for three nights and to speak with my OB on Friday to see if it calms the uterus down again. She thinks that Flicker is trying so hard to turn that is making it worse.
Steroids ~ booked in to have them Monday and Tuesday next week if not before hand.

So things are still looking relatively positive despite all the contraction, I want to get through the next few days, and hopefully get everything to calm down again, almost 32 weeks then N's gestation is the next milestone. So taking it one day at a time, but we will get there and hopefully will be able to avoid NICU :)

The next 3 days we trialed the Crinome (Progesterone Cream), by the Friday I was actually getting relie, while I was still contracting they were more defined and not as much of a tumbling mess on top of each other, they had also settled down to 10-15 throughout the day, which was significantly better.

I sopke to My OB on the Friday afternoon and we were both happy with the improvements, so the plan was to continue the combination of the Crinome and the Progesterone and attempt to reduce the amount of Nifedipine slowing 1 tablet over a four day period to see if we could reduce the need for it.

Over the weekend we hit 32 weeks, another milestone passed and we had a lot of help from my parents, getting the everyday things done around the house and some shopping. It was lovely for Nakita to spend time with all her grandparents spread over the two days. For Fathers Day Roy and his Mum took Nakita to the Royal Adelaide Show and she had a lovely time, developed a new found love for hot cinnamon doughnuts, and chicken burgers, she rode the spinning tea cups with Daddy and came home with lots of treats and all tuckered out.

OB Appointment 32 weeks~

I had my second steroid shot with the midwife before heading in to see my OB, they had to be 24 hours appart and would be effective 48 hours after the first injection.

A week ago I seriously didn't think I would be here this week and my OB told me the same at my appointment she was about to admit me last week!

But we seem to be getting back on track again and the combo of the Nifedipine and Crinome are doing what they need to do, they have calmed my uterus, Flicker is much happier and I am a LOT happier.

We are attempting to reduce the Nifedipine to 80mg and today is day two, last night wasn't so sucessful, but we have made some timing changes and will see how that goes today and tomorrow, if not we got back to the 100mg a day.

Flicker was doing well, good strong HB, still breech but had flipped sides, pity about not flipping the other way, but we are both of the thought that Flicker isn't going to get out of breech, the attemps have stopped and I have an inkling that it won't happen.

So what does it mean, if I go into labour we can't stop before 35 weeks I will attempt a breech delivery with my OB, after she goes on leave it will be CS. Her back up OB isn't well experienced in breech delivery and I need the person to be doing to be confident, as DH is nervous about it and having two people nervous is not a good thing. But if it happens in a rush then we will go with the flow.

I am staying on the Nifedipine and the Crinome until 36 weeks, the Crinome is usually stopped at 34 weeks, but she wants to get me the extra couple of weeks if we can, and without it we know how bad things got last week tht it wouldn't take much to get to a point where we can't stop it.

Delivery if CS would be by 38 weeks and no later, due to the size of my placenta, she doesn't want me going any longer, I am struggling with the thought of actually setting a date, because I am of the thought that I would like my babies to chose their own date, but I will get my head around it, so either way by about the middle of October either way we will have our little bubba.....

I am feeling 1000% times better this week, it feels good to know that we have the steroids on board which will hopefully make the difference if needed.

So as long as the dopplers remain steady, fluid levels remain steady, membranes stay in tact, and next weeks growth scan is good we get to keep on going along :)

The wind up.....

We have decided to not drop the Nifedipine, the spacing between the dosages was too far, I was getting too many more contractions and was not sleeping, so we are staying with the 100mg a day, it give us less room to move, but hopefully it does what it needs to during the interim and the contractions start to settle by themselves....

We are now less than a week away from Nakita's gestation of 33 weeks and 4 days, for so long it seemed like the unattainable goal, but now we are so close I can feel that we will surpass it and venture into unchartered territory, it will be very exciting times!!! So bring on the next week, hopefully a week full of highs and lots of good news!

And to celebrate a 32 week belly shot and some photos of Nakita at the show :)

30 week appointment... a bit of this and a bit of that...

Another week down and another week closer to meeting Flicker...

Results from Tuesday's appointment:
BP: 110/60 (Thanks to the Nifedipine ~ one of the side effects is lowering blood pressure)
Fundal height: 31 ~ lovely, not "shrinking yet"
AFI (Amniotic Fluid Index): 15 ~ nicely in the normal range, but looks as though we have had our peak already, it has dropped 6cm since my 28 weeks appointment, so she will keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't keep dropping
Dopplers : we are well below the 5th%ile, but we still have a good uprise in the flow which is keeping Flicker tucked up safely, but the drop in the pressure and any notching (which is what Dopplers Pick up) the current plan will change.

She didn't do a growth scan as I had one done last week at the High Risk Clinic, and she'd already done one the week before @ 28 weeks, but another one will be on the cards for next weeks appointment. Growth was slowing based on the difference between last two, but Flicker has started out at a good weight so that will be a big advantage!

She didn't do a cervix length either as we want to keep things as settled as possible.

The dosage of Nifedipine has gone up again, we are going to try this for another week and if things don't settle will go the Progesterone, I am squeezing an extra dosage in during the day so now 100mg daily, plus boosters as needed - generally only 2-3 a day, the limit is 120mg plus 40mg of boosters (160mg in total).

Flicker is still breech ~ oh well, and we went through breech delivery in more detail today, need to still get a few more weeks of good growth for Flicker to be big enough. I've also a form to go in for a CT Pelvimetry to check the size of my pelvis because we need to make sure that it will open up enough so the baby literally falls out. Breech delivery is a hands off form of delivery, you have to literally let the baby descend, then once the legs, body and shoulders are out the baby bascially peddles backwards, tilts their head and the head is then delivered. It is this point that is critical to a safe breech delivery. There are some fabulous videos of breech deliveries on Homebirth : A Midwife Mutiny... turning a ripple into a wave just look on the right hand side for the links. I also had a look on Google, but was horrified to find one where from the start the care provider was constantly tugging on the baby trying to pull it out, I had to stop the video and couldn't watch it to the end. I spoke with my OB about it and she was just as horrified, reiterating that it wasn't the right thing to do at all, which gave me extra comfort.

But another spanner in the works is the length of Flickers umbilical cord, looking at the scans it is short, which may also explain why Flicker has made some attemps at turning the last few days and been unsucessful. If this is the case we couldn't see much extra cord today and based on the small placenta it is possible the cord is short as well, breech may not be an option

But we would know quite early in delivery if the cord isn't going to be long enough as we will see signs of fetal distress.

For my OB to deliver I need to have bubs before the 30th of September, 35 weeks or hold on to 39 weeks even she laughed at the thought of that ~ as she is on leave for the month of October and flying out of the country  During that time a breech delivery won't be performed, her back up OB isn't as well versed in them as she is, and to be honest I would only want to do it if my OB or someone jsut as experienced was there as I know that she has done quite a few of them, she did a lot when she started in obstetrics, where as the other OB started when CS were the way to go.

So a bit of a mixed bag as such, but in the end the way in which Flicker arrives needs to be the safest and I won't risk his/her life for my own desires for another traditional birth.

Either way I feel comfortable with where we are and how things are tracking, it's not perfect but we never expected that and every day/week Flickers gets to stay inside is a bonus.

The rest at home is driving me a bit batty though, day in and day out of pretty much the same thing, sitting on the same spot on the couch or taking rest times on the bed, on on my "low days" it makes all that much more difficult, but at least I know that not every day is a "low day" and there are better days so to focus and enjoy those, and keep focussed on the bigger picture. A few visitors this week has made a huge difference and breaks up the day. At least I can still work and earn some money, I am at home everynight to give my hasband and kiss and cuddle and spend precious time with my daughter, I get really excited when it gets to 5pm knowing that they aren't too much further away!

We are three weeks away exactly from passing Nakita's gestation, what an amazing milestone to achieve, lets hope we can pass it with flying colours! Till later on... I will be back... xxoo

News that a parent never expects... especially 29 weeks in!

It is time that I updated our blog with the news of the week, it has been an extremely stressful and worrying time, we have been pushed to our limits once again, on receipt of news that a parent never expects to hear, let alone 29 weeks into their pregnancy.... So grab a cuppa and chocolate biscuit and catch up on the full story of what happened this week.......

It all started Monday Night ~

I had a phone call this evening from the specialist high risk ultrasound clinic we went to for the 12 and 20 week scans. They have spoken to my OB and she gave persmission to call us and follow through directly.

Issues have been detected on our 12 week scan (yes we are getting told about this at 29 weeks!!) and our risks are apparently quite a bit different to what we were told there are about 20 of us who all have to go back. We have to go in urgently - tomorrow night @ 7:30pm for a growth scan and meeting with the OB and a genetic counsellor, and they said that it is best the Roy is with me...

I assume that there was either problems with the US machine, calibration or something like that, operator error or something similar. The OB I spoke to said that our OB had said we had been having regular growth scans, and he said that was a good thing. But should she have been monitoring something else, who knows!!

And just to top it off one of two OB's will be doing the scan, one is the OB/US Specialist I saw the WCH when we found out we were losing Firefly and who told me I was not going to make it to term in a blunt uncaring manner.

So this is certainly a curve ball we did NOT expect at this stage!

Tuesday Nights Appointment ~

We arrived early and they were running late, the couple before us came out and the father started explaining everything that had happened during their appointment to his parents or IL's. We recognised the couple, and their little boy M, we had seen them at either the 12 or 20 week scan. I looked at the father and in his eyes I could see the pain that we too were feeling, we all knew we weren't there for good news. And he knew what we were just about to face, I will never forget that moment.

We were called in and I was disappointed that the OB I had was the one from the WCH, had to be my luck didn't it, so next came the introduction as to what happened. There was a change over of software right at the time we had our 12 week scan, and although the knew the software was going to change they didn't know exactly when and they assumed that it would be a relatively smooth change and that any alterations to results would be minimal. So the results went into one program, but should have gone into another, figures were supposed to be changed and weren't, and along with it there were glitches in the software. Then it took sometime for it to be picked up that the switch had been made, only to discover that when some results went in there wasn't a minor adjustments to results, but in fact quite a large adjustment. So for us what it has done is changed our risk for DS from 1:655 to 1:244 and placed us in the high risk category and I have In addition I have a Low PAPPA result of 0.30MoM, hence the reason for us getting called in. Ok so we are sitting there trying to absorb everything that she had just told us but within seconds she flew into "you are still able to terminate the pregnancy, just not here in SA you will have to travel interstate". What the??????, we were both completely take aback and it was at this moment I lost it. Seconds ago we were just being told that our risk had gone up, but then in an instant to be informed that you can still terminate the pregnancy if you wish before even having a scan or looking at our options, where was the middle ground in all of this?

She then went on to discuss our options, which are to have an amnio which comes with a risk of MC of 1:205, but due to the shape of my uterus and the fact that I am already having contractions, the risks are significantly higher, but she couldn't give us what that figure would be. We have been placed in a position that no parent wants to be in let alone at 29 weeks into the pregnancy.

Through all of this she apologised profusely for what has happened....

We then went into another room where she did a full scan, including a growth scan, and looking at all the markers for Downs Syndrome, she took great care looking and measuring the nasal bone, the heart, kidneys, brain, she also did a set of dopplers. She was happy with the growth scan, everything is tracking online, bubs weight has gone up to approximately 1550grams which is up 110grams from the previous Tuesdays growth scan, and all other measurements were within the normal range.

I can't believe we have been placed in this position, let alone at this stage, and why on earth did they take so long to contact us all.
We have a lot to absorb and emotions are running high, but this little baby has shown so much fight and I couldn't go through with a termination, so I don't think we will bother with the amnio as we aren't going to "use" the information.

My reflections on it all yesterday morning

That was one of the hardest nights I have had this pregnancy, I feel shattered this morning, neither Roy and I slept much at all, both of us waking through the night in tears, I felt so angry, hurt and upset, why did we get put in this position, why did we have to go through this and why now.... I know that life is meant to challenge us, but I never expected to be pushed to such extreme limits. Why did it take 17 weeks for us to be notified of the issue!

When I announced my pregnancy it was with vigour that I was going to skip the NICU Rollercoaster and get to Full Term, but I didn't comprehend the rollercoaster of emotions that we have been for the pregnancy part on for the past 21 weeks since we had the first bleed....

I am calling my OB's office this morning, they open at 9:30am and organising an appointment to speak with my OB. There are questions we have, but I feel that within my heart that Flicker is ok... and as I can't even comtemplate termination, so realistically the amnio is not the way to go, because of the shape of my uterus and the fact I have been having contractions makes the risk of the amnio so much higher, but it would also give the definitive answer that Roy is searching for.

I have been on the net - I am a careful "Googler", finding out more about Low PAPPA, which is Low Pregnancy-Associated Plasma Protein A (PAPP-A), this has placed us in the high risk of chromosomal abnormality, but from my reading it can be indicative of a few things which I see are more fitting to my case, I have found a direct link to having a uterine septum and the positioning of the placenta in relation to that. And as we know my placenta is over the top of the septum and that placenta has always been on the smaller size. For these reasons my OB has been closely monitoring growth and doing regular Dopplers, with the expectation that the restriction is growth is more likely to occur after 30 weeks. This is one of the things I plan to discuss with my OB today.

On top of that if there was any retained placenta from the twin, this could also affect the PAPPA result, but by how much isn't really known.

Flickers growth scan results from last night were pretty good, and putting growth ahead by a few days based on my "Official Dates" (or right on track with my dates of 30 weeks yesterday) Weight was 1556grams, up from 1440grams last Tuesday - give or take based on the accuracy of these things.

I have also looked closely at the range of soft markers that can be present in cases of DS, and I can't see any of them present in the scans we have of Flicker, but I will go through them with my OB today.

I know that in time this will get easier, but I know that Roy would feel better about a definitive answer, where as I can just live with what ever we are given, because for me I see no other option. And to be honest when I look at the figures and all of the information, not just the fact that we have crossed the line into the high risk category, where as I don't think he can get past that.

I am sorry if I have repeated myself everything is a bit of a haze right now, but hopefully soon I see clearer again.


Last night we went and saw our OB and this is what happened ~

I am so so so glad we went in and spoke with our OB this afternoon, it was a great debrief for Roy and I. We went through all of the events of the past couple of days, and we asked a bucketload of questions.

We went through all of the results, the original and the new figures, we went through each component of the 12 weeks results and what each meant, we strongly believe that the Low PAPP-A is due to the poor placement and attachment of the placenta. And just one hiccup with a component of the testing can make a dramatic difference to the end figure.

We went through the results of last nights scans and each Soft Marker that was looked at and are confident that visually there are no signs of DS. We showed our OB the 3D photo and she had a good look at the facial structure and agreed that the positioning of the eyes on the face, they don't look slanted in and the nose looks just like Nakita's, I have a feeling that the Masterman genes are a lot stronger than mine!

We went through all of the risks associated with the amnio, had we had it done early in pregnancy and doing it at this late stage and what we would or no do with that information. The reality is it is not worth the risk to do if before 34 weeks, my pregnancy is far from "stable" and although if a clean amnio was done the history of PPROM, a uterus that is contracting, ther would need to be quite a bit done to actually calm it down, it is just too complicated and too risky. And we have made the decision that if we have the amnio we aren't going to do anything with the results, so there is no point going through with it.

We feel at peace with our decisions, we have looked at all aspects and although we can still make a decision about the amnio down the track, I don't want to risk this pregnancy in anyway and it isn't going to prove anything.

Had we found out this information much earlier... like when we should have... we would have had the option of an additional blood test (CVS) which would have given us further information without needing an amnio, but would have had to be done between 14-20 weeks or there abouts. But we can't dwell on that as that option isn't there for us.

So while we are still upset about what has happened and how it was handled, it was not the fault of the OB's at the clinic, we need to take our focus and minds away from that and just refocus on growing Flicker into a big fat chubby baby who will be perfect in every way.....

On a side note ~

My OB also wasn't particularly happy with the fact that my contractions are still around even with the change in the Nifedipine and the rest, and she said she wants to try me on Progesterone to see if that calms everything down. I am feeling a lot better today and have only had a couple of ctx early in the day but since 11:30am hey have been back with more force and frequency, so time to lie down and get some rest...

But from here on in we will remain positive, we are not going to focus on the events of this week any further, we are going to move on and focus on bringing our little Flicker safely earthside in a few weeks time :) And just because we have one, here is a 3D shot of Flicker from Tuesday night :)

OB Appointment 28 weeks - It was HUGE!!!

Ok this is going to be a HUGE !!!

Not sure where to start, but it was a really positive appointment, we did all the tests except the cervix length as she didn't want to risk it cause any further irritation.

With the Nifedipine she is really happy with how I am controlling it and said she is leaving it up to me, and that I can go up to 150mg a day if we need to I'm currently on 60mg daily.

Test results
GD : Sugar levels were 5.4 so no GD
Platelets : Stable at 153 (friggen awesome, at this stage with N they started a rapid decline at this point)
Other BT's : all came back negative

AFI's : 21 insanely awesome, my fluid levels have flown up so not low amniotic fluid anymore, wooo hoooo!!!!
PI: 0.99, (dopplers ~ so looking good)
EFF: 1440grams!!!!!!!This baby has had a massive growth spurt which is brilliant, and she said there wa a good layer of fat as well ;) It looks as though my placenta is defying the odds and doing great things, lets hope it continues all the way to delivery

So all the things that were going wrong and were really setting us back as not doing so at the moment, this little Flicker is really one strong little bubba!!!!

Now for the really BIG NEWS!!!!!

I am totally blown away by this!!!!

Flicker is still bum down, has shifted around a bit more as the feet had been stuck in my cervix the last few weeks. She tried an ECV as the opportunity was there and this bub needs to get into celphic while we have a little room left. She tried twice, popped Flickers bum out of my cervix and got it up to the side and got the head down further but both times bubs went straight back , she had to stop a couple of times due to me having contractions it was good that she got to feel them and how strong they were and certainly confirmed the need for the Nifedipine and said to boost my Nifedipine tonight as the ECV will stir everything up more.

But I bought up some questions about C/S as I thought it was inevitable if bub chose to stay breech, but she told me not to get hung up about it as we could achieve a breech delivery !!!!!!! OMG are you serious, I think my eyes popped out of my head!!!

Due to N arriving so quickly and me dialating quickly and effectively, if we can get bubs a few more weeks along then we can go for a breech delivery.

I think it has just lifted a HUGE weight off my mind and hopefully this will help Flicker turn anyway, but to know that my OB is supportive of a breech delivery has just totally blown me away - man she ROCKS!!!!!!

OB Appointment this afternoon 28 week 3 days

Off to see my OB this afternoon and it is going to be a big appointment!

Just a "few" tests and scans...
Cervix length
Uterine Dopplers
Growth Scan
AFI's

And I get the results of...
GD test
Platelets
Some other BT's my OB has run

It will be interesting to see how things are tracking, with the BH's ramping up again in the last week we may need to adjust the dosage again over the next week, but hopefully we can sustain it at just double the dose for a while and only boost it when needed.

Hopefully it will be good news that will take us through to the 30 week appointment in two weeks time :)

OB Appointment 26 weeks 3 days...

I am back :) 26 weeks 3 days.

It was a pretty good appointment a few changes, but that was to be expected.

She checked my cervix on the external US and it was just under 2.5cm, BUT before anyone gets worried, the actual measurement would be at least 0.5-1cm greater, as she had done the external before and then internal and we gained nearly 1cm, so I was happy and not concerned with the measurement. We are also on medical management for it now, so I will be going onto Progesterone if need be and was good to give the internal scan a break and avoid any agrivation ;)

We didn't do a growth scan or dopplers, bub has a nice strong HB and looks good so I was happy to leave them until the next appointment.

BP was nice and low and is dropping each week, which is good, I think it shows that I am coping well and there aren't any issues there was 105/60 :D

Fundal Height on par.

Disucssed the changes to the BH's (last night going all night and that the Nifedipine wasn't working all the time) and a bout of cramping I had the other night, which was never regular enough to be timed and settled after a couple of hours.

So my Nifedipine has been increased I now had to take a double dose, 2pm and 6pm, My OB is expecting that we are likely going to be heading up to 4 or more doses a day, but said it is much better to try and get hold of them rather then letting them go.

Flicker must turn very soon, rapidly running out of room and with the head in the left horn, back over my cerevix and the placenta in the right horn, the option of a ECV is not at all possible, as bub has to actually do a somersault either facing towards my spine or belly button and an ECV can only be done with a clockwise rotation (looking at the front so turning to the left or right). And the septum prevents that happening :( So I have to spend as much time as I can on my hands and knees, doing inversions, pillow under my bum while I sleep, sitting backwards on dining room chairs and no lounging backwards or reclining.

OB was really proud of me (again LOL), and I told her about a thread on a FB page I am on asking who your OB was, and told her that there were a few really lovely messages about her on there and she was pretty chuffed. It was good to pass on some positive feedback that she may not have seen otherwise, the girls at the front office looked it up as I gave them the page so they were going to show her :D

So I feel good still desparate to get out of the 20's and into the 30's.

The last couple of weeks...

I never did get back and post last week about the events of that day 2 weeks ago, and since life has been particularly hectic...... celebrating Roy's Birthday although the dinner that night had to be cancelled as Nakita was very unwell when I picked her up from daycare, but it was short lived and by the next morning she was completely well again.

It looks as though my house has sold, I was rushing around doing the negotiations that afternoon, and reached an agreement with the buyer and signed the paperwork, the colling off period has passed, deposit paid and the finance approval papers from the buyer have all arrived and we are now just waiting for the 12th of August for the offical settlement, so we won't be celebrating until it is all clear.

Work has been busy and a really good place to focus on things other my growing bump, with quite a few project on the go and developments all at different stages from starting up through to preparing exit strategies which from our perspective is finalising the last of the design work and compiling a lot of documentation and plans.

Nakita has moved up rooms at daycare and shifted into her new bedroom, and we have removed the side of her cot, and with so many changes in a very short amount of time, she has done extremely well. A couple of days of tears at Daycare, but by the 3rd day she had settled and it was a tear free drop off.

As for the growing bump things have been going along relatively smoothly, the Nifedipine makes a big difference and most days is effective, the few days where it hasn't I have generally felt that it was going to happen, I was either just a bit too late taking the Nifedipine, or had to be on my feet for a longer priod of time. I feel that this cheeky little bubba is still in breech, so I have started doing some inversions again to see if we can get some movement happening.

It has been good to make it the full two weeks between appointments, it's nice to have been able to just enjoy the pregnancy for a while. Even though at the moment I jsut want these few weeks to fly by, I really want to get into the 30's and it feels as though the last few weeks have gone by slowly, and although I know at this stage bub has a good chance, it doesn't make me feel comfortable about an impending arrival anytime soon.

Some days I feel very confident, relaxed and that it is going to be easy to get through the next weeks and months, but other days the confidence is lower and you wonder how you are going to get through next few days let alone longer.

But we are trying to remain positive and hopefully tomorrow appointment is another good one so positive feelings that we have been building over the last couple of weeks will continue and strengthen.

So here's to another milestone passing 26 weeks and bring on 28 weeks :)

Out for a treat

Nakita was such a good girl this mornng mummy treated her to a bubbacino

26 weeks bump :)

OB appointment 25 weeks... finally a pretty good appointment!!!

Ok I am back and online again, things went crazy this afternoon, but I will update that in another post.

OB appointment went great!!!
Cervix was stable at 3.6 cm - we got past the suture stage and I am now on medical managment for the remainder of my pregnancy. For now we are not planning fortnightly cervical lengths unless the Braxton Hick's change or something doesn't feel right.
Dopplers were good
Fluid Levels looking stable

She also did a growth scan and bub is measuring on track, head measured 25 weeks, leg 25 weeks 4 days, abdominal 23 week 3 days and weighing in at a beautiful 764grams

The only downer was Flicker being back in a breech position, kneeling and feet going in and out of my cervix and I know about that as I am often getting kicked there, I was hoping it was some punches.....

I have to keep making adjustments to the Nifedipene to try and get the timing right, if I get BH's in the mornings to take another dose.

Back in 2 weeks for my next checkup, so the plan is that everything will be nice and settled for a few more weeks ;)

The bump is certainly popping out!

24 weeks added :)

Pop and we have a new course of action...

After a couple of lovely days, taking the time to enjoy my pregnancy, at 3am yesterday morning there was a pop and some leaking and TBH is completely scared the crap out of me and I was afraid to move, I was scare that I may have broken my waters.... I evenutally did. Nothing else eventuated and I tried to get some mroe sleep, but wa up bright and early with Nakita, I tried not to think about it during the day and really put it out of my mind and nothing had happened I just had a dripping feeling sporadically throughout the day

Then last night I had a massive bout of Braxton Hicks's, my stomach was rock hard for over 5 hours, when ever I stood up it was very uncomfortable and it wasn't relenting, they BH's went for more than double what they normally go for, generally they have gone for only 1-2 hours at a time.

So I called my OB's office this morning just to let them know, as I have been told to let them know of any changes, I spoke to one of my OB's lovely MW's I wasn't feeling too concerned, as this morning my tummy was softer and  otherwise I would have called my OB direct, she then spoke to my OB and they wanted to see me straight away. So I had to ring around to get a friend to watch Nakita and a lovely friend who lived near my OB's office was able to help me out at almost no notice, I was so grateful she was able to help me out.

I got to my OB's office went straight through and had to lie down for 1/2 an hour then they did an exam and there was quite a bit of fluid, but it didn't have the appearance of amniotic fluid and my OB took a sample and put it on a slide and under the microscope to look for a ferning appearance. I was fascintated by the process and it reminded me of my school and first year uni days, especially when the MW said the last slide she was dry snapped! We then had a laugh about when I was an school, breaking a slide because I focussed in too far and didn't realise how close the lens was to the slide went straight through it.

My OB thinks that I have an infection, even though I don't have any other symptoms. So the samples had been sent off to pathology for testing and I get the results either late Monday or early Tuesday, and then she will advise treatment, depending ont he results.

She was also concerned about the change in my BH's so has put me onto Nifederpine, to calm them down, and if I need to use it more than once a day she is going to change the dosage. But as I have only been getting them every few days and it had been almost a week break until last night I am hopeful that we won't need to make any changes soon.

So we will wait and see what happens over the next week, but hopefully we can get everything to settle down again and get back on track :)

In the meantime I will will enjoy this lovely Blackberry and Apple tea :)